Third Installment in my Hierarchy of ADHD Needs series- Belongingness and Love

It is well known how important social connections are to health and happiness. Dr. Ned Hallowell highlighted this in his book Connect. Although he wrote the book for the general population one can imagine that his work with his ADHD patients influenced the effort. ADHD can have an isolating effect. People with ADHD are less likely to develop and maintain meaningful relationships than the general population. In working with graduates of Melissa Orlov’s Couples’ Seminar, I see first hand how ADHD can impact relationships.

Urgency, Memory, Planning and Emotions

Think for a moment about the effort and attention one needs to develop and nurture positive relationships. Then think about how ADHD disrupts in these exact areas - sustaining effort and attention, tracking relationships and reengaging them over a period of time. Tending to relationships is never urgent work and yet Global Creatives thrive with urgency. But remembering to call a friend on a birthday? To proactively plan and organize a social event? We typically do great once we are there, often the life of the party, but making it happen is a whole other ball of wax. Addressing emotional needs of a partner when emotional dysregulation is in play can be an exercise in futility. Oh, and don’t get me started on boundary management!

In-authenticity

Global Creatives can often feel like they have to be inauthentic (and act neuro-typical) to be socially accepted. Not getting to be oneself also has an isolating effect. Getting to be who you are and being accepted has a healing effect. This is actually a good time to have ADHD. The stigma associated with ADHD for so long is starting to lose its icy grip. People with ADHD are finding communities where they can express themselves authentically and find nurturing support. #neurodiversesquad on Twitter is one such social media community on the rise.

Steps to Belongingness and Love

As I stated above I have seen how ADHD has devastated relationships but I have also witnessed many people with ADHD develop and maintain healthy relationships often rekindling connections considered long lost.

A few steps:

Authenticity and Acceptance - Authenticity starts with acceptance. Having ADHD just means that - you have ADHD. It need not define you. Accept the limitations and focus on your strength areas. People with ADHD can be empathetic, sensitive and funny - good traits for any relationship.

Seek Positive Relations, Develop Healthy Boundaries - Those of us in our inauthentic state can assume a ‘one down’ position to others, deferring to their preferences and choices- an Omega to their Alpha. As we hitch ourselves to another’s pre-frontal-cortex (the planner, initiator, organizer and prioritizer-among other things) we can just lose ourselves and our own unique identities. Just because your friend or partner can plan a better outing or remember your birthday doesn’t mean you need to play some lesser, more submissive role in the relationship. There are some real assholes out there who will want to keep you in that place of shame and the relationship in a place of utter dysfunction. Cut ‘em loose. Seek those who see and appreciate you for who you are - quirks and warts and all. Boundary management can be a challenge with ADHD but with practice you can establish clear expectations and enjoy healthier relationships.